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Stories for my book (rehash)

Discussion in 'Tavern Talk' started by FireFuss, May 17, 2014.

  1. FireFuss

    FireFuss Dirt Conaisseur
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    So I'm doing this again, starting off with a silly conversation from a little while ago.

    (FYI these might get father apart as the new station Im currently at is a little slower than where I was)


    We're dispatched to an injury from assault call. We get on scene and find a black guy bleeding from his head.

    "What's wrong, what happened?" we ask
    "Yo yo yo check it, see I calls my side piece over for some cuttin den she gots mad and hit me wid a smoothie."

    WHAT?

    He says the same thing, but we have a guy who speaks ghetto with us.

    So you called the girl you hang out with behind your girlfriends back, and had her over to have sex...

    he says "yea yea"

    Then she got mad and hit you with... a smoothie?

    "yea, dats why I's bleedin"

    What's a smoothie?

    "You know, dat thing you smoove out da clothes with!" .....................an IRON!! Oh shit!

    You got any medical problems?

    Yea, I takes dat medicine (PAY ATTENTION HERE) "peanut butter balls"

    What??? whats it for

    Seizures, he says.

    Oh, right peanut butter balls.... The medicine is Phenobarbital (pronounced Phe No Bar Bit All)

    I can't imagine what else the guy said to the medics who took him to the hospital.
     
    B_n, arcusthehero, Will_em and 8 others like this.
  2. Mnemon

    Mnemon Developer
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    These are so great. Fact.
     
  3. FireFuss

    FireFuss Dirt Conaisseur
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    So, I'm working downtown this wonderful Friday evening. The city streets are bustling with people headed out to drink. When lo and behold comes a group, NO a herd of women (girls really, the oldest was 24) wandering up to the open bay doors at the station. Of course, we just came back from a call, and I'm standing out front with the guys wearing my fire pants and a tshirt. I see one girl is wearing princess crown with a white vale, obviously I ask "Is this a bachelorette party?" The first girl to speak says "YUP, and we wanna slide down you guys poles"!!!

    Now, unless you're a fireman, you might think that was something sexual. But please understand, we have 3 fire poles that we slide down from the bedrooms on the second floor when we get a call. Get your minds outta the gutter.

    "Well ladies" I say, "We can't let you do that, civilians aren't allowed upstairs so there's no way you could slide down the pole"

    They all answer with, "What if we climb them to the landing then slide down??!!"

    It was a unanimous "go ahead" from the guys and me. So there I was, about 15-20 minutes ago watching about twelve, 20 something year old girls in mini skirts and dresses trying to climb copper poles that we keep shined and cleaned so that they slide faster. Apparently, drinking alcohol before attempting the climb these girls chose is more of a hindrance then a help. One of them almost made it, she hiked her skirt up around her thighs, and used the skin of her legs to hold on to the pole (again NOTHING sexual here). But when she reached for the platform at the top, she lost her grip and slid down the 15 ft pole. I gave her an ice pack since it chaffed her inner thighs up quite nice.

    After THAT debacle, none of the other girls tried the climb. The all decided to get pictures in and around the trucks, and of course they had to do this while wearing fire gear. I was forced to take off my fire pants (i was dressed underneath you naughty people) and give up my coat and helmet to another girl.

    THIS is where it gets good.

    A group of guys walks by. They slow down a bit when the see the girls hanging all over myself and the other firemen (BY THE WAY. I wear a wedding ring, I told all of them I was married TO A DOCTOR, I wasnt an instigator in any of this) Slowly this group of guys starts walking our way, peering into the station. They halt at the doors, not sure if they're allowed to come in. On of the girls squeals "OOH NOO" . Shockingly, the bride and groom decided to have bachelor and bachelorette parties the very same night. As the guys were on the way to their spot, they saw what the ladies were up to on the way to theirs!

    Needless to say, with a group of 20 boys and girls around, I (naturally being the most mature and level headed of my crew) took it upon myself to act as a pre-marriage counselor. I took little Jack and Jill aside and said (paraphrasing) "Listen you two, you're both young and stupid. And I mean that, I was that when I got married, and so was everyone else. You DON'T have this figured out, and its NOT gonna go how you think it is. If this little thing is enough to make you rethink your whole life together, I wouldn't like to see you in a REAL fight after you're married." I continued as they started at me in wonder and awe, or maybe disbelief. "Soon you're going to be married, and in this day and age 50% of marriages fail. So right here and now, you've got a chance to start beating those 50/50 odds. Learn to talk to each other, be honest and dont make excuses. You were probably going to drink for free at a bar cause guys will be hitting on you all night" I said to the bride "And you and the boys were probably gonna drink for a bit then hit a strip club" I said to the guy. "You guys aren't the first to do this. And you wont be the last. It'd probably be best if you all went your separate ways and did what you planned on. It's your last night out single, when you can think of yourself. Cause for the rest of your life you'll be worrying about one another constantly."

    We all shook hands, the engaged couple kissed and the guys all headed out together. The bride to be said "thanks"







    Then her maid of honor puked all over the inside of the fire engine....


    GTFO!!!


    Just finished cleaning it out with bleach before typing this. Fucking shit!
     
    B_n, KatieElisa, yodog_117 and 8 others like this.
  4. Malkizid

    Malkizid Aspiring Commoner

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    Oh Fuss, I fucking love you man :D
     
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  5. Wollip666

    Wollip666 Yellow flower puncher

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    I missed these more then I realized.
     
  6. Mnemon

    Mnemon Developer
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    Brilliant. Seems like you skipped a part. I assume there was a fight after the boys showed up? Yelling, crying, and the like? It's implied, but you never actually stated it... crazy kids.
     
  7. Will_em

    Will_em One of Us

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    Darn I wish I lived near you firefuss, you might be married but I'm not.
     
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  8. Ghundra

    Ghundra Yellow flower puncher
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    @Will_em the servers biggest flirt.