Writing Workshop

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DSESGH

Manual Treebuilder
Mar 2, 2014
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#2
These are awesome:D The setting descriptions establish the mood of the story very well. Your writing style seems quite similar to Tolkien's (coincidence...I think not).

My only question, referencing #1, is: how is a laugh "a deep bellied laugh" but also "high and raspy?" It would be like a cross between Santa and Voldemort:rolleyes:

I want to see what happens:p So much cliff hanger...
 

Ardelenia

Slab Fanatic
Mar 1, 2014
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#3
Ignoring the few grammatical errors, I think both are great settings. They both *piqued my interest. I'd be interested to see working titles, they are sometimes interesting.
 

MaDIIReD

Enforcer
Staff member
Enforcer
Mar 1, 2014
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#4
All right, here is my feedback for number one. Click the words that are marked to get the correct annotation to pop up.
I might do number two tomorrow, as it takes quite some time to go through them.

If you are trying to write a book I'll tell you this: write (like you have done with these pieces) the entire book first, leaving all mistakes as they are, then go back and revise. If you don't you'll never finish anything.
 

Ardelenia

Slab Fanatic
Mar 1, 2014
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#5
A couple comments directly on Mad's (because I don't want to do more productive things).
1st paragraph, I would correct to "in wonder at its purpose" not "wonders of"
Is it really that big of a deal if you repeat articles?
 

MaDIIReD

Enforcer
Staff member
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Mar 1, 2014
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#6
Is it really that big of a deal if you repeat articles?
Repeating words? Ya it's bad, it's really noticeable when you are reading and the same word pops up two+ times in one or two sentences. It takes people out of the story, and makes them notice the writing in stead.
 

Ardelenia

Slab Fanatic
Mar 1, 2014
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#7
Repeating words? Ya it's bad, it's really noticeable when you are reading and the same word pops up two+ times in one or two sentences. It takes people out of the story, and makes them notice the writing in stead.
But not all words, just articles. I.e. "the". Seems awfully trivial to me.
 

Glov

One Of Us
Mar 1, 2014
538
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#8
Sounds like some of the stuff i'm slinging around has potential. Thanks for the grammar edits as well, a lot of it is laziness, after writing countless papers over the school year i tend to get that way, lol. But there are a few errors in there that i wouldn't have noticed, as they've sort of become bad habits of mine.
If you are trying to write a book I'll tell you this: write (like you have done with these pieces) the entire book first, leaving all mistakes as they are, then go back and revise. If you don't you'll never finish anything.
My original intent was to write a short story, but I've gotten a few more ideas bouncing around my head, so i may just start writing and see where things take me.

Also, i started writing these tests in the third person, using "he" as sort of a placeholder for a name. But I've grown rather fond of this crazy idea of removing the protagonists name entirely, and referring to "him" only as "he". It might prove hard to keep things clear in certain scenes with other people, but i think i could do it, as well as still develop the character without a name. I guess it leaves an air of mystery to the character, but would also leave him open for the reader to sort of develop a bit on their own, as they read and learn more about him. It was just a far fetched idea i had that i thought might be fun. Opinions?
 
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Ardelenia

Slab Fanatic
Mar 1, 2014
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Chicago, USA
#9
I don't know about the whole story, it would depend on the length. I think it's a great way to open the piece with, though.
This idea is kind of far-fetched, but if you were to only refer to the main character as He (and its various forms), keeping it capitalized, that would imo both separate the character from other pronouns and let him stay nameless.
 

DSESGH

Manual Treebuilder
Mar 2, 2014
1,219
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#10
Also, i started writing these tests in the third person, using "he" as sort of a placeholder for a name. But I've grown rather fond of this crazy idea of removing the protagonists name entirely, and referring to "him" only as "he". It might prove hard to keep things clear in certain scenes with other people, but i think i could it, as well as still develop the character without a name. I guess it leaves an air of mystery to the character, but would also leave him open for the reader to sort of develop a bit on their own, as they read and learn more about him. It was just a far fetched idea i had that i thought might be fun. Opinions?
I think it depends on what you want the main focus of the story to be. If you wanted the story to be focused on the protagonist, then I would give him a name. However, if the story is supposed to be centered around the plot, antagonist, or something else, I would leave him nameless. Also, I agree that it makes the character more mysterious.

Currently, I like it because it makes the reader focus entirely on the setting, which seems to be what you want:)



but i think i could it
what?:p
 

devilius

Aspiring Commoner
Mar 2, 2014
44
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Chicago
devili.us
#11
But not all words, just articles. I.e. "the". Seems awfully trivial to me.
It's very noticeable when reading. You'll find yourself looking more at the way the sentence is shaped than what it's actually saying.
See this:

The man listened to the sounds of the surrounding rivers of the kingdom.
Here it's boring, you tell nothing extra, and it makes the scene seem very frozen and grey (at least to me) because there's three "of the" very close to each other"

VS
The man listened to a sound of surrounding rivers flowing through the kingdom.
Better here, the second "the" is removed, but it's still grammatically correct. This makes the sentence faster, and the "flowing through" allows even more space between the two "the" and adds description. It makes the rivers in the kingdom more organic.

Or even
A man listened to sounds of the surrounding rivers of his kingdom
Avoiding to use "the" forces you to use in turn things that determine possession "his, her", gives information of numbers "a, those, this" .Not only that, but it also forces you step around using "the" which in turn makes your writing better. See the "flowing through" which gives more description and space between the "the".
Point is, it isn't something absolutely necessary, but it's just one of the little things that make a piece something enjoyable and natural to read vs something that looks like a list of description of your world.

Here's my DnD backstory, super short, but one of my only writings that I've actually typed up. And yeah, I know, I have a problem with run on sentences. Whenever I write an essay I'll always have a paragraph or two made up of only one sentence. It's pretty bad.